The Onion

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The Onion (@theonion) Medias

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-22 16:04:38

22 September 16:04:38
Sebastian Gorka Welcomed To Halfway House For Fired Trump Administration Members

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-22 14:31:13

22 September 14:31:13
Report: Nothing Stopping You From Deleting Your Facebook Account Right Now

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-22 13:45:55

22 September 13:45:55
“I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve never seen a set like those before,” said local filing clerk Ted Kilgariff, adding that there was no way not to notice a woman walking around with “a couple of big boys like that.” “Most of the time I honestly could care less about their size but, I mean, damn. They’re just bouncing around all over the place.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-22 11:29:02

22 September 11:29:02
Did You Know?

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-22 10:37:21

22 September 10:37:21
“After a lot of soul-searching and honest, often painful, discussions, we are sad to say that our two giant pandas, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian, will be seeking a divorce,” said Michael Brown-Palsgrove, curator of the zoo’s Asia Trails and Giant Pandas section, adding that the couple had been sleeping on opposite sides of their enclosure for the past few months, a rift sources suggested was fueled in part by Tian Tian’s reluctance to have another cub. “For the time being, Tian Tian will be crashing on the rock outcropping in the enclosure of his friend Remi, a sloth bear, until he can find a more permanent place to stay. Although there’s much to be sorted out in terms of feeding schedules, what’s important now is that we focus on making this an easy transition for 2-year-old Bei Bei, over whom the pandas will share joint custody.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-22 09:50:17

22 September 09:50:17
Report: More Women Quitting Their Jobs To Pursue Lying Face Down On The Floor

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-21 17:33:51

21 September 17:33:51
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The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-21 16:09:05

21 September 16:09:05
National News Highlights

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-21 15:13:25

21 September 15:13:25
New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-21 14:21:22

21 September 14:21:22
Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week. “Those of you travelling into parts of the country like Gainesville, Oxford, or Columbia will be exposing yourself to a wide array of diseases and viruses, and we strongly urge you to consult with your doctor and ensure your immunizations are up to date prior to the start of SEC play,” Zeppos said in an email to Vanderbilt students, faculty, and alumni, urging them to carefully consider the risks before choosing to attend any conference road games. #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-21 13:32:42

21 September 13:32:42
Food Purchased As Souvenir Tragically Revealed To Be Available Back Home

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-09-21 12:36:28

21 September 12:36:28
“Just to let you guys know, I do have to mention that there are four people being killed downstairs right now,” said realtor Bill Cylkowski, adding that he was fully aware that some might consider the in-progress quadruple homicide a deal-breaker. “I know you really love this place, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t forthright about the horrifying tragedy underway at this very moment. I can assure you, however, that the shrieking and pleas for mercy will be complete by your move-in date unless the victims are going to be unexpectedly tortured to death over several weeks.” #TheOnion