28 July 10:41:01 At times struggling to hold back tears, a solemn President Donald Trump ordered all flags to half-staff Friday in honor of an American killed in the line of duty on an episode of Blue Bloods. “Today we honor New York City police officer Vincent ‘Vinny’ Cruz, a hero who cared so deeply about the people he served that he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect them,” said the president of the brash, fast-talking cop who was partnered with lead character Jamie Reagan at the beginning of season three. “Officer Cruz attempted to apprehend a thief inside the Bitterman housing project—the same housing project he himself rose up from years ago—totally unaware that he was walking into an ambush orchestrated by Santana and his Los Lordes gang. Once the shooting stopped, it was tragically evident that Vinny was mortally wounded. I offer my heartfelt condolences to Police Commissioner Frank Reagan and the entire NYPD.” #TheOnion
28 July 09:25:35 Sean Spicer s Voice Immediately Recognized By Everyone Else In Halo 5 Multiplayer Lobby #TheOnion
27 July 20:40:48 Amazon Completes New Suspension Tank To House Psychic Beings Who Foresee Customers’ Future Orders #TheOnion
27 July 18:21:34 National News Highlights
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27 July 14:04:33 Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare. “We uncovered evidence suggesting that Charles and David Koch have become nothing but mouthpieces for an unknown multi-trillionaire donor who orchestrates every one of their political activities,” said co-author Leah Romero, adding that it was impossible to imagine the Kochs maintaining any independence whatsoever while regularly receiving massive contributions from a patron whose wealth is rumored to rival the GDP of France. “It’s pure corruption. And it’s happening all across the political spectrum—we found that every one of George Soros’ moves is dictated almost to the letter by the beliefs of his own quintillionaire donor.” #TheOnion
27 July 11:16:18 Check out The Onion’s Instagram Story today for a look at The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials.
27 July 10:43:36 Needing a pick-me-up to shake his glum mood, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly scrolled through some statistics about minority incarceration rates Thursday to cheer himself up. “African-Americans: 13 percent of overall population, 40 percent of population in jails or state or federal prisons,” said Sessions, the tension slowly draining from his neck and shoulders as he read that about 75 percent of drug offenders in federal prison were either Hispanic or black. “African-Americans are approximately five times more likely to be incarcerated than whites. Hispanics are twice as likely to be incarcerated as whites—only twice? We can do better than that, but I’m not going to get all stressed out again.” #TheOnion
27 July 09:55:41 Today s Weather Report
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26 July 17:41:12 Report: Bots Now Make Up 22% Of Twitter Executives
26 July 16:58:35 “Effective immediately, the Defense Department will begin financing the hormone therapy of armed forces members who wish to recommit to the sex they were assigned at birth,” said Defense Secretary James Mattis, adding that it was only right to provide assistance to soldiers who made the difficult decision to intensify the characteristics of the body they currently possess with a protocol of testosterone injections. “U.S. military health plans will now fully compensate any serviceman who would feel more comfortable—indeed, feel truly themselves—if his body hair was twice as thick and his voice was twice as deep as it is currently.” #TheOnion