The Onion
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The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-30 15:58:46

30 March 15:58:46
Saying he has heard good things but hasn’t yet had a chance to check it out, local 31-year-old Kevin Regan reported Thursday he has been meaning to catch up on the whole of human artistic endeavor. “From what everyone says, it sounds pretty cool, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet,” said Regan, who explained he has been meaning to follow up on friends’ recommendations to check out sculpture, photography, the Western literary canon, cinema, printmaking, traditional Asian puppet theater, and all of the performing arts. “I figure I should probably start from the beginning, with Paleolithic ivory carvings, and work my way forward from there. But I’ve also been told there’s some really awesome stuff going on with architecture from the Roman Empire through the European Renaissance, so that could be a good place to start, too.” “I’ve also heard music is pretty great,” Regan added. #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-30 14:47:53

30 March 14:47:53
Today s Weather Report

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 23:21:45

29 March 23:21:45
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The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 22:19:26

29 March 22:19:26
“I just got this new moisturizer I’m going to try out,” local woman Sara Holloway said of the latest phase in the study she has been running for the past 17 years, testing a wide range of hypotheses regarding which synthetic compounds and colloidal solutions might best be employed to attain optimal elasticity, hydration, and smoothness in dermal tissues. “The other stuff was kind of leaving my skin feeling dry. This one looks like it should be good, though.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 21:13:12

29 March 21:13:12
National News Highlights

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 20:15:01

29 March 20:15:01
Fender Releases New Hybrid Gas-Electric Guitar

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 19:03:30

29 March 19:03:30
Worrying that if she didn’t have one soon she might not be able to have one at all, local 34-year-old Sarah Jean Bleicher told reporters Wednesday she realized she doesn’t have much time left to have a career. “The clock is ticking—if I’m going to have a career, I can’t put it off much longer,” said Bleicher, adding that some of her friends from college were already on their second career. “Sure, I guess it’s possible to have one later in life, but it gets so much harder as you get older. I have to face the real possibility that I might wind up careerless for the rest of my life, with no long-term occupational pursuit to nurture and devote myself to. God, that’s sad.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 17:58:25

29 March 17:58:25
Did You Know?

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 16:53:32

29 March 16:53:32
Speaking Wednesday from the grounds of the lavish tropical estate where he plans to spend much of his downtime while in office, Donald Trump unveiled a new presidential retreat he hopes will allow him to escape from the grueling pace of life at Mar-a-Lago. “After a while, all that time spent at Mar-a-Lago starts to take a toll,” Trump said of the relentless routine of recreation and extravagance he experiences at his oceanfront Florida club. “I’m there so much that sometimes I just need to get away and clear my head. Here in St. Thomas I’ll have a place where I can simply relax and, for a little while at least, forget about all those headaches I left behind in Palm Beach.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 15:47:15

29 March 15:47:15
Last Vestiges Of Net On Old Backyard Goal Fluttering In Wind Like Bullet-Riddled Battle Flag

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-29 14:39:26

29 March 14:39:26
“Because responsible gun ownership begins with proper storage, we advise you to keep your children in a tamper-proof safe, especially when they have friends over and any time you are out of the home,” wrote executive vice president Wayne LaPierre in a bulletin to the organization’s members, adding that it was not enough to simply place one’s children in a drawer, atop a high shelf, or underneath a bed, as stowing kids in such locations was neither a secure nor foolproof way of preventing a firearm accident from occurring. “We recognize that purchasing a steel-reinforced vault that can fit every one of your children comes at a premium, but can you really put a price on the safety of your family?” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-03-28 23:17:49

28 March 23:17:49
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