The Onion has obtained hundreds of documents from an anonymous source within the White House.
The Onion (@theonion) Medias
26 May 22:39:49 For more world-renowned reportage, visit theonion.com
26 May 18:59:17 Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School
26 May 16:39:30 Did You Know?
26 May 15:09:39 Zeroing in with laser focus on the far side of the apartment, area woman Jess Macindoe placed the wall behind her boyfriend’s couch squarely in her crosshairs, sources confirmed Friday. Macindoe, whose pupils reportedly dilated at the unadorned white space as she prepared to act, sized up the wall’s entire 8 by 12 feet and began automatically cycling through a tactical suite of paint colors, mirrors, framed photos, and floating wooden shelves. According to apartment sources, Macindoe then locked on and navigated toward her target, recalibrating the precise heights of possible modern art prints with each step. #TheOnion
26 May 14:17:20 Today s Weather Report
25 May 21:00:29 National News Highlights
25 May 20:27:23 Dave & Buster’s Opens New Fine Dining, Gaming Outpost David & Benedict’s #TheOnion
25 May 19:16:46 Leaked ‘The Last Jedi’ Footage Reveals Chewbacca Balding Since ‘The Force Awakens’ #TheOnion
25 May 17:37:55 Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate. “Our findings indicate that, far more than physical appearance, wealth, or education level, not being a total dipshit is the single most desirable trait for attracting a romantic partner,” read the study in part, adding that the data demonstrated a robust correlation between behaving like something other than an absolute dumbass and being viewed as a worthy companion. #TheOnion
25 May 16:01:22 Check out The Onion’s Instagram Story today for a look at wedding guest etiquette tips.
25 May 15:18:05 Today s Weather Report
25 May 14:28:51 On January 24, President Trump requested Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg make numerous upgrades to Air Force One, including marble fixtures, marble seats, and marble engines. Visit theonion.com/trumpdocuments for more #TrumpDocuments (link in bio).