The Onion

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The Onion (@theonion) Medias

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-22 00:15:12

22 November 00:15:12
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The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 23:11:14

21 November 23:11:14
“Everyone just froze and we thought we were in big trouble or something,” sophomore cornerback Matt Baker told reporters, noting that the soft-spoken coach had rarely ever addressed more than a handful of players at once, let alone the entire team. “Even [head] coach [Charles] Pettis looked puzzled when he saw who blew the whistle. Once he had total silence and the undivided attention of every player, coach, and student on the field, he told us we had a big game this week and we needed to have a good practice today. It was really strange.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 22:17:52

21 November 22:17:52
National News Highlights

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 21:14:50

21 November 21:14:50
Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 20:13:41

21 November 20:13:41
“Eight women who either worked with you or aspired to work with you have now said you sexually assaulted or harassed them with lewd phone calls, groping, or by exposing your nude body to them on occasions that date back to the late 1990s,” an unwavering Charlie Rose said to himself, digging in his heels every time the recently fired co-host of CBS This Morning tried to downplay the women’s accusations by calling some of them “inaccurate” or divert the conversation to his desire to be a better ally generally for women going forward. “In your statement on Monday, you said, ‘I always felt that I was pursuing shared feelings.’ Don’t you think that shows a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy toward these eight women? By saying that, aren’t you essentially laying the responsibility for your own actions on them?” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 19:12:11

21 November 19:12:11
Check out The Onion s Instagram Story today for a look at your weekly horoscope.

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 18:16:54

21 November 18:16:54
Report: That Whole Side Of Family Just Like That

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 17:11:33

21 November 17:11:33
“I am pleased to confirm that at 1400 hours yesterday afternoon, U.S. forces carried out an air raid on a site 20 miles from Mosul that, for all intents and purposes, serves as a terrorist training ground,” said Central Command spokesperson Major Josh Jacques, adding that, who knows, the Iraqis targeted could very well have been high-ranking members of ISIS. “Fortunately, we were able to hit the location with pinpoint accuracy, ensuring that those inside—who for all we know were some of the most dangerous jihadists on the planet—would no longer be able to carry out a series of devastating attacks. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if our nation is far, far safer than it was 24 hours ago.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 16:07:55

21 November 16:07:55
“Our study suggests that the average person’s desire for sugary treats is directly linked to the fact that they are pathetic overgrown babies with no control over themselves whatsoever,” said lead researcher Dr. Natasha Cott, adding that her team had found that most people’s tendency to be drawn to items like chocolate and other confections is entirely due to their being pitiful and sad, not to mention stupid enough to be enticed by these unhealthy foods in the first place. “If people ate salads or fruits on a regular basis, for example, it would demonstrate a measure of inner strength and resolve. But they don’t. You don’t. All you care about is stuffing more and more handfuls of sugar between your rotted-out jaws. The only thing we couldn’t determine is whether you were more spineless or disgusting.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 15:03:40

21 November 15:03:40
Today’s Weather Report

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 14:04:31

21 November 14:04:31
“Frankly, almost all of the conversations you have with your spouse, coworkers, friends, doctor, or anyone else are completely superfluous,” said lead researcher Alan Monroe, adding that conversations that never need to happen under any circumstances include non-business-related chats with coworkers, casual discussions of politics, and any inquiries into weekend plans. “At most, it seems as if an individual only needs to have a handful of conversations per year—and even those could probably be trimmed to a single exchange of three- or four-word sentences.” #TheOnion

The Onion (@theonion) Instagram photo 2017-11-21 00:50:41

21 November 00:50:41
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