2 months ago To see more unmatched reporting, visit theonion.com.
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2 months ago “Effective immediately, America’s at-risk species must prove they are making an effort to find a different ecosystem to live in if they wish to obtain government assistance for their continued survival,” said Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, adding that endangered creatures such as the black-footed ferret and Sierra Nevada bighorn sheep should not be allowed to just sit back and live on public lands at taxpayer expense unless they agree to take steps to better their own situations. “An ‘endangered’ status isn’t a free pass, and it’s important we put forth policies that encourage a culture of personal responsibility among our nation’s plants and animals. We’re not doing the star cactus or the salt marsh harvest mouse any favors when we allow them to live on the government’s dime, which can create a disincentive for them to secure a place in another habitat and become self-sufficient.” #TheOnion
2 months ago Pile Of Dirty Clothes On Bedroom Floor Starting To Mix With Pile Of Clean Clothes On Bedroom Floor
2 months ago Today's Weather Report
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2 months ago “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the mechanism behind the involuntary response commonly referred to as goosebumps is indeed a carbuncle-covered freak jerking off to a photo of you from the seventh grade,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Daniel Leahy, whose research suggests that the more numerous the goosebumps, the more vigorously the decrepit lunatic is pleasuring himself to snapshots of you moving into your first apartment. “Even something as minor as a gnarled old man leering at a series of photo booth pictures from one of your recent nights out is enough to produce a measurable effect on the skin. So any time you feel the hairs rising on the back of your neck, it is more than likely the case that somewhere out there a hunched-over cackling recluse is clutching one of your prom pictures and bringing himself to shuddering orgasm.” #TheOnion
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2 months ago Really Ugly Shark Tired Of Being Mistaken For Hammerhead